Bees In The Door Are Keeping Me From England

"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain

How many stories have you heard that begin with, "You'll never believe this..."? And, inevitably, you do believe it, because either the story is so crazy that the person could not possibly have fabricated it, or they're a really good story-teller.

This is one of the former.

So it's true - or was true until this afternoon - that bees in the door were keeping me from England. I'd spent the past week and a half waiting for a "letter of financial provision" from the University of Leeds to arrive, so I could apply for my visa. Last Saturday I found a note written on an envelope from the mail carrier, saying "Bee nest in the door. Please take care of." I worked all weekend, which kept me from buying any Raid to kill said "nest" (if "nest" = "I can see two wasps"). Finally got some on Monday, which I proceeded to use with great vigor, if not effect ("nest" = "four wasps crawling out of a crack next to the door" [as opposed to the Republican National Party, which is "four WASPs on crack, trying to crawl in the door"]). Found a note taped to the front door on Tuesday, which read,

"Dear Postal Customer,

Your carrier has reported that the area around your mailbox has a problem with a bee or wasp nest nest nearby. Please take a minute to check your mailbox and surrounding area for this problem if located; please eliminate this problem as soon as possible.

Accidents and injuries to carriers cause not only pain and injury to your carrier but also cause additional expense to the U.S. Postal Service. Bee or wasp stings to some employees who are allergic are potentially fatal.

Thank you for your time and prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Timothy C ---
Manager, Customer Services
B-------- Station"

(Which, for the record, I have yet to reply to for fear of what the postal monopoly would do; but I do know that, if the option to privatize the Postal Service comes up, I'm definitely voting Yea. If I did respond, it would look something like this:

"Dear Mr. C---,

I have checked with the area around my mailbox, and it does not report having any problem with a bee or wasp nest. The area says the wasps are friendly, and even invite it round for tea occasionally. Perhaps my carrier discovered a problem bee or wasp nest near my mailbox?

However, I did manage to locate one of your semicolons, who mentioned that she had been misplaced.

And sometimes, bee or wasp stings can be fatal to some carriers with allergies. They should take care during the summer, as these occupational hazards are much more common at that time. Perhaps they should locate more suitable employment that don't require them to come into any contact with Nature. Such positions exist.

Thank you for your time and prompt attention to this matter.")

So. Short story long, I managed to get my mail delivered. All it took was:

• calls to four different postal employees,
• two large-scale bombardments of aforementioned "nest",
• a note to my carrier taped to the door on two consecutive days informing them the proverbial coast was clear,
• a large can of Raid prominently displayed in the window to emphasize that point,
• a large can of Raid prominently displayed on the front steps to re-emphasize that point,
• a medium-size cardboard box with the word "MAIL" stencilled across the top, and
  
• four days.

So I got home from work yesterday, excitedly opened the letter from Leeds...and found they'd gotten my date of birth wrong.

Dirty double dog damn.

So calls to a now-frantic girlfriend ensued, plans were made to call Leeds, emails were written, emails stating that 'the US has invaded countries with less provocation than this' were deleted, a large vodka tonic may have been consumed, sleep was achieved briefly, and Leeds was contacted. Or rather, they contacted me. At 3:15 this morning.

The official word: Things are being sorted.


More to come...